Fifty Shades of Grey Pure Pleasure USB Vibrating Bullet

I’m not a fan of the fifty shades of grey novels, nor the film, or the branding. However, I love bullets and I had been on the look out for an affordable, rechargeable bullet. This one just happened to be on offer so I though I’d give it a go. Had a paid the full RRP of £35 I’d have been a very sad bunny indeed. Truly, this is the worst vibrator I’ve ever tried.

I was pretty excited when I opened it to use it for the first time, as I’ve not owned a rechargeable vibrator before. I thought, finally, I’m free from batteries! How wrong I was….

Everything about this design is flawed. The fake metallic shaft looks tacky and feels like nothing good. It’s not cool like metal or glass, and it’s not soft like silicone. It’s plasticy in a cheap rubbish way and a cheap this vibrator is not. The rounded end is too large for any precision in your stimulation, but too small to cover a large area, so you get the crappy middle ground that doesn’t result in a fantastic orgasm.

It’s the usual push a single button to scroll through the functions design, which works fine, if there are only say a maximum of 8 functions. But this little guy has about a million different patterns, none of which feel good. They seem sporadic and weird, and I have no idea what the designers were thinking when they came up with them. Did they even try them out on a woman? I found myself desperately scrolling through them thinking “maybe the next one will be good! No, maybe the next one? No….”.

The other major flaw in the vibrations is there is no build-up. Speed one, for me, was far too fast, loud and powerful. Unpleasant to start with. Maybe if I’d already had a good warm up with a more gentle vibrator it would feel good, but then what would be the point of having this one at all?

With all those patterns, you’d think they could include just a few warm-up speeds. Alas.

This vibrator is incredibly buzzy and loud for such a little guy. If you go crazy for sporadic patterns, high-pitched buzzy vibrations, and need no warm up, maybe this device is your new best friend. For me, it’s only saving grace is that it comes with a nifty satin storage bag, which is the perfect for storing other better toys. As far as the 50 shades vibe goes, I don’t think it’ll come out of the box again.

Back to the drawing board 50 shades!

If you think you’d get along with this vibe better than I did, you can buy it here

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