This review has been really hard to write. It’s also been a long time coming. I’ve had and used the Mystery Vive Crescendo for much longer than I usually do before writing a review. There are two reasons for that. The first is there is lots to explore with the mystery vibe crescendo. The main selling point of it is you can bend it into loads of different shapes. The second reason is I just couldn’t get on with it (or off with it, more to the point) and that was very frustrating to me. I really wanted to like it. I feel like Mystery Vibe have tried really hard to make a very high quality and innovative product. I love the concept of a toy that you can bend to fit perfectly with your own anatomy. But it just doesn’t work. I’m so sorry to report that.
Be aware that it could just be my own personal taste and anatomy that made the Mystery Vibe Crescendo such a failure for me. It could be genius for some people. I hope for the company’s sake that it is. There are also a lot of positives about the toy. Lets start with the packaging, because Mystery Vibe really excelled there.
The box the Mystery Vibe Crescendo comes in is really very beautiful and stylish. It’s a sleek black with gold lettering. It’s a hardy box which could be used for long term storage. First impressions are important, and the presentation of this toy means it makes a great one.
Upon opening the box, expectations remain high. The box is stylishly designed. The Crescendo is presently beautifully in the center of the box, framed by a piece of black card. When you lift up the card you’ll find the Mystery Vibe Crescendo is cushioned by a soft squishy carry case. Lift it out and you’ll find three compartments, containing the charger and some little info cards.
The carry case is simply lovely. It’s very discreet, it looks like it could be housing hair straighteners. It is padded for extra protection. There is one big pocket that the Crescendo sits in nicely and two smaller ones which you could used for the charger and warranty card if you’d like to discard the box all together. The whole thing is wrapped up with sleek black ribbons. This is, by far, the nicest sex toy carry case I have ever seen.
The next positive point I’d like to mention before we move on to the toy itself, is the charging system. It’s a USB system, so can be used universally with a laptop port or wall plug. That has become pretty standard in the sex toy world. The different thing about this toy is all you need to do is place the toy on the little circle platform and it will charge. That’s right, just place it on. No fucking about with magnets or pushing pins into toys and hoping they remain 100% waterproof. It actually works too. When you lay it on its charging base there’s a little light that blinks to tell you it is on charge. I love this system because it is easy and because it allows the toy to be completely sealed in silicone, which means no worrying about it being waterproof, and no lube or other fluids getting into charging points. Hurrah!
On to the Mystery Vibe Crescendo itself. First impression of this toy were good. The silicone it is made of is high quality and feels really nice and velverty to the touch. I love the deep purple this toy comes in (I’ve had a series of deep purple toys recently, it’s a popular choice at the mo). The silicone is also almost completely seam free, there’s just a circular seam around the very top. The word “Crescendo” is embossed on the back of the toy and the Mystery Vibe “M” logo is at the very top of the toy. You can’t really see them, just feel them when you run your fingers along the toy. The double fin you can see at the top of the toy is a flexible piece of silicone.
The first thing I did, and the first thing anyone would do with a toy like this, was to bend it into different shapes just to see what it could do. The results are pretty impressive. As you can see from my photos, you can get it into a really deep curve if you want to. It also bends in two directions (forward and back, there is a note warning you not to try to bend it sideways). The way this works, as far as I can tell, is there are six hinged compartments, each containing a vibrating element. The finned end also has the controls so is much larger. It is easy to bend, even with my weak hands I barely struggled.
So far, so good. Now, on to the controls. There are two little buttons on each side of the finned part of the Mystery Vibe Crescendo. On the left side the two little buttons have an up arrow and a down arrow. On the right side of the toy the buttons have a plus and a minus symbol. When you’re using the toy and are trying to distinguish these buttons you can’t tell just by the feel of them. I have very often changed the setting by mistake when I was trying to up the intensity, which is really frustrating. Anyway, the plus and the minus control the intensity of the vibrations and the arrows change the settings. You need to hold down one of the buttons for a few seconds to turn it on or off again. This can be annoying because you can end up turning the toy off when you meant to turn up the intensity. There are seven settings you can chosen from to start with which involve different intensities and patterns of the individual motors. This feature is a cool idea, because you can have different sensations in different parts of the toy, which in theory leads to different sensations on parts of your body.
You can increase the number of patterns by downloading the smart phone app. I have an android phone and the app downloaded, installed and functioned without any issues. The Crescendo pairs with it first time, every time, which is fantastic. It’s simple to use, but (dare I say it) a little pointless? Sure, it allows you to add more patterns to the toy (fun!), change the pattern you’re on, and change the order of the list of patterns, but that’s it. I can’t change the intensity with the app, meaning I still need to use the buttons. Also, if you have a screensaver (as all smartphones do), you’ll need to disable it, which is a hassle. Basically, if you use the app to select a nice pattern, then put down your phone to, y’know, enjoy the toy, you’ll find the Crescendo will go dead suddenly as soon as your phone goes to sleep. For my phone, that’s after around 30 seconds of inactivity. So I’ve either got to change my phone’s settings so it doesn’t sleep (irritating), or continuously poke at the screen whilst still trying to get off (even more irritating). What would have been exciting is if I could create my own vibe pattern and control the settings of each of those little motors individually. That I would like to play with. But just working as a fully functional remote control would be a good start.
On to the final part of this review, which is how I used the toy and why I think it failed to get me off. I have tried the Mystery Vibe Crescendo on my vulva and vagina as many ways as I could think of, at different times of the month and day, with no real joy. I tried different patterns and intensities. I bent it into all kinds of shapes, both sensible and weird. I won’t go into detail about every orgasm-attempt, but here’s a few of the highlights.
On my first go, I was with my partner in bed and I wanted to try a C-shape, to see if I could get clitoral and g-spot stimulation, and possibly penetration from my partner’s penis at the same time. I found out very quickly that the Mystery Vibe Crescendo, although slim, is too big to be comfortably inside my vagina at the same time as a penis. The dream of a we-vibe alternative died very quickly. To my surprise, despite the flexibility of the Mystery Vibe Crescendo, I could not get it to stimulate my clit and g-spot simultaneously either! It just didn’t bend enough in the right place to fit me well. Another discovery on the first go was that it figuratively eats lube. I lube it up with my trusty sliquid and a few minutes later I need to lube it up again. Either this silicone had LOADS of drag, or my vagina hates the sensation of it so much that it sucks all the moisture away! I have since used thicker water-based lube meant for anal toys, which lasts longer but still needs replenishing.
Another bright idea I had was giving up on the simultaneous stimulation and going for my clit. I love clitoral vibrators, so I thought this one would be a winner. I tried to see if the fins would stimulate around my clitoris nicely. They don’t. The vibrations don’t travel well enough into them for that. While we’re on the vibrations, I think they could be the Crescendo’s downfall. It’s not that they are weak per se, they just don’t feel good. They are of the buzzy variety, but I don’t always hate buzzy vibes. It could be that because there is no precision in the toy my clit just cannot get the stimulation it needs. I think the silicone also dulls the vibrations somewhat. They don’t feel harsh, they just don’t feel good either. No clitoral orgasms have been achieved using this toy, despite a lot of effort on multiple occasions.
The only time I did happen to orgasm I felt like it was unfulfilling. Too much hard work for very little pay off. It happened when I was trying the Mystery Vibe Crescendo as a g-spot vibrator. I’d got it bent into a good hook shape, the shape I’d learnt fit best for g-spot anatomy. Again, as with my clitoral play, I felt like the vibrations were doing very little for me. However on this one occasion I did manage to grind it into my g-spot for long enough to come. I was lying on my front and it had been a long, frustrating session. The orgasm was more of a release of tension than a wave of pleasure. All the other times I’d tried to use the Mystery Vibe Crescendo in my vagina I’d felt like I couldn’t put enough pressure on my g-spot for it to feel good. The problem with the toy being bendy is any kind of hard pressure will just bend it backwards, knocking it out of that hook shape. This also occurs if I try to thrust with it. It just becomes the shape of my vagina rather than putting pressure on my sweet spots. There’s also no friction to add stimulation.
I won’t go on anymore. I think what’s so hard for me is this toy had so much promise. I am truly very disappointed that functionally did nothing for me. I hope Mystery Vibe keep the very positive points of the Crescendo (presentation, packaging, charging, material, fully waterproof) and rework the negatives. I’ve heard they are planning on improving the motors. At the moment, it’s just not good enough. Please bare in mind that although it didn’t work for me, everyone’s anatomy is different and it could be perfect for someone else. This is demonstrated by what other top sex bloggers thought:
Those who didn’t really get on with it…
…and those who did
Emmeline Peaches (although she has a lot of negatives to say as well, I’ve put her in this list because she actually managed to enjoy orgasms from the Crescendo).
I know there’s a lot of people still writing up their reviews too, so the jury is still out on this one.
You can buy your own Mystery Vibe Crescendo here.
*I would like to thank Mystery Vibe for sending me the Crescendo free of charge in exchange for an honest review. This in no way affected my opinion of the product.