It’s well known that most women struggle to orgasm from penis in vagina sex (PiV) alone. Clitoral stimulation is usually needed to achieve climax. I think this leads to the assumption that for a woman to have an orgasm during penetrative sex with a man is difficult and shouldn’t really be bothered about. This is certainly how I felt for a long time.

Sexually, I’m a giver. I love seeing my lover squirm in pleasure. I can achieve this by taking a dominant role or through being submissive and taking joy in my partner getting pleasure from my body. In the past I have often not been focused on my own orgasm during sex. Looking back with older and wiser eyes, I think this lack of emphasis on my own pleasure is socially conditioned. Sure, I have past hang ups (sexual assault trigger warning for that link), but I think a lot of women without my history regularly have orgasm-free penis in vagina sex. We are taught that the male orgasm is an unchangeable part of, or worse, the whole point of, sexual intercourse. The female oragasm is secondary, and not as important. Furthermore, women are sexaully objectifyed: they are objects there to bring men pleasure. I’m talking in broad strokes here about what media and society tells us.

What we’ve ended up with is this weird (and unfounded) perception that the female orgasm is this mysterious and difficult to achieve entity. Whereas the male orgasm is easy to achieve and is to be expected at every sexaul encounter that involves a penis. Men who do focus on the pleasure of their female partners often think they are god like (and deserve praise as such) for being able to make her come. But no one thinks that a woman is a magical sex god when a man oragasms while having sex with her. Bizarrely, the man will still takes the credit for his orgasm too. He can “make her come” and then use her body to make himself come? Something’s not quite right there.

The point I’m trying to make is I think the main reason women don’t orgasm during penis in vagina sex is they are not expected (or even encouraged) to. Men, on the other hand, will use a woman’s body in just the right way to achieve their own orgasm. They practise this every time they have sex until they’ve got it down to an art. They can edge themselves, slowing to delay the orgasm. That takes expert skill, to not only know exactly what to do to achieve orgasm during sex, but to be able to time it too.

Women often just don’t feel confident enough to do that. We don’t stop and say “this is what I need to come, I’m going to do this exact thing until I orgasm”.  It takes a shit ton of confidence to stop the man who is doing to you what he needs to come and do with him what you need instead. It goes against all that social conditioning we’ve had that has told us to be desirable and give him pleasure. But I am going to argue that it needs to happen in order for us to progress sexually.

We’re far behind men in our orgasming-with-a-partner practise, so it’s time to start. In my own experience, it does take a load of practise with each new partner, so be patient. The most important thing to realise is you are just as capable of achieving orgasm during penis in vagina sex as a man. Don’t believe the myths. If you can orgasm through masturbation, you can orgasm with a penis owning partner. There’s a formula for orgasm with each person you have sex with. You just need to find it, work on it, and perfect it. I’m not saying it’ll be easy, but if you’ve got the confidence and your partner is game it is the path towards sexual bliss. Here’s my own personal account of how I found out my formula.

Step 1: What makes me come?

I’m a frequent masturbator with a closet full of sex toys. I know from my years of masturbatory experience that the easiest and quickest way for me to orgasm is with precise clitoral stimulation (using a bullet vibrator, for example). I also know that I can orgasm from firm pressure from a g-spot dildo or vibrator but that this is a longer process that doesn’t happen every time without additional clitoral stimulation. Finally, I know that pairing a clitoral vibe or suction toy with a butt plug or vaginal toy (vibrating or not) can intensify my clitoral orgasm. Try writing out what you know about how you can achieve orgasm from your own alone time. If you’re not sure, now is the time to explore your own body alone.

Step 2: What feels good when I have sex?

I’m only going to focus on one male partner here, to simplify things (for me, these issues don’t exist when I have sex with women). I know that I get closest to orgasm with this particular guy when I am on top and he is using his hands to stimulate my nipples. In fact, any kind of nipple play really adds to my pleasure during penis in vagina sex. I also love rear entry positions, such as doggy style. However, in those positions I get very little stimulation on anything other than my vagina. Although I could come from g-spot stimulation in this position, it is rare and unlikely. More stimulation is needed. Try writing out what you absolutely love about sex with your partner(s). Be really specific, think about positions that get you closest and any extra things they do for you that feel really good. I’m not focusing on foreplay in this article as I wanted to address the fact that women often don’t orgasm during PiV sex, but if there’s something he’s great at in your foreplay sessions think about how you could incorporate that into penis in vagina sex too.

Step 3: Putting my knowledge into practice.

Armed with the knowledge about what gets me off when I’m alone and what gets me close when I’m with him, I set up some sexual experiments. Firstly, I tried butt plugs during doggie style sex. We both love rear entry positions, so I thought if I can master coming in this position it will be fantastic for both of us (that way of thinking was why I failed, more on that soon). I knew I couldn’t hold a bullet on my clit and balance at the same time, so I thought a vibrating butt plug might be the extra hit I needed to take me over the edge. Although the sex I had was absolutely gloriously amazing (the plug really did help to put even more pressure onto my G-spot from his penis), it didn’t result in an orgasm. Next, I tried using one of my favourite toys, the womanizer pro 40 on my clit whilst in the reverse cowgirl position. I chose this position because it was still a rear entry position and I had easy access to my clit. Once again, the sex was mind blowingly amazing. I loved the extra stimulation the toy gave me. Yet, there was still no orgasmic joy for me. I’ve experimented with a few more tricks, practice makes perfect, with varying degrees of success and I wholeheartedly encourage you to do the same. However, I needed something else to change before I could achieve my goal of an orgasm during every PiV sex session.

Step 4: Changing my mindset.

With all that practise and expert knowledge I was getting really close. Everything was feeling really really great, but I just wasn’t reliably reaching orgasm. The tension definitely built up in my body, but it was never released. There was no flood of pleasure I knew I could achieve both alone and during skillful foreplay. I realised I was still caught up in my own head, worrying about my partner’s sexual pleasure. I was concerned he wasn’t enjoying himself, and that he would feel like I was using him as a giant sex toy (seriously, I believe one reason men always come is that this thought never even crosses their minds). I tackled this problem in two ways. Firstly, I asked him he minded. He didn’t, he was more than happy for me to try and get mine before he got his (as sex is often over after a man has ejactualated, it just makes sense for you to come first). Secondly, I just stopped worrying about his pleasure at all and took control. I decided that the sex would be all about me until I came. After that I would participate in any position he wanted until he got his.

With this new frame of mind, I got on top of him, asked him to use his hands on my nipples, a trick he is great at, and used his body for my own pleasure. I controlled all of the motion, and I told him I was going to do that so he didn’t try to take charge and distract me. I used a favourite bullet on my clit and gripped his penis with my vagina. I went for deep penetration and grinded against him, using thrusts I knew didn’t do much for him but did a lot for me. Most importantly, I let go of any embarrassment or shame. I closed my eyes and I just stopped giving a shit about what I looked or sounded like. I ground into his penis deep inside me like it was the best dildo in the world and used the bullet expertly on my clit. To my surprise, I came really really easily. It didn’t take long at all and the orgasm was massive, vocal and intense.

I opened my eyes and leant down to caress and kiss him. The only problem I had now was all I wanted to do was cuddle and bask in my afterglow. I had to stop him touching my nipples because they were super sensitive after that massive orgasm. After about a minute of recovery I was ready again for any position he desired. I came very close to a second orgasm, given how sensitive I was from the first. He came, as normal, and was happy we’d had such a mutually satisfying sex session. It made me realise I was being foolish for not taking control of his body sooner.

Step 5. Sexual Bliss, every time.

Now I’ve mastered that technique, I’ve realised it is waaayy more to do with attitude than it is with stimulation. For me, I’ve found if I am willing to forget all about the person I’m fucking and just focus on my own pleasure, orgasming isn’t that difficult at all. Just saying that out loud makes me feel a little nasty. I’m an incredibly nurturing and caring person. As I said at the start of this post, I’m a giver. But the problem with being a giver, I’ve learnt, is it makes it much more difficult to receive pleasure. Basically, the trick to orgasm during PiV sex for me is clitoral stimulation and to stop thinking about my partner’s pleasure for the time being. The way I am comfortable doing this is by talking to them about it, checking in to make sure they are okay during the sex, and continuing (as I always have) to focus on their pleasure a lot both during foreplay and after my orgasm. I’m not saying it’s easy. It is hard to get out of your own head, forget about all that conditioning on how to look and behave sexually and just fucking grind the way you want to. But with a supportive partner and an I-don’t-give-a-fuck attitude, you can do it.

Going forward from these realisations, I can practice and get up to the same level as my experienced male partners. I know better how to move and how to focus until I get there. This means I can mix things up, try it out in new positions and with different toys until I’d mastered a load of fun techniques. I’m getting better and better at it, and the better I get the more my confidence grows. I’ve taken complete control over my own orgasm, I’m thinking like that ridiculous man I made up at the beginning of this post: I use his body to make me come.

I feel like so often you hear the advice “try adding a bullet vibe to improve your chances of orgasming during sex ” or “women need lots of clitoral stimulation to orgasm during penetrative sex”. Whilst these statements are true, they are fucking useless by themselves. I had this information already. I knew clitoral stimulation leads to orgasms more often than vaginal stimulation. I had tried using sex toys during sex. It didn’t matter. I still didn’t come. The problem isn’t that women don’t know how to come, you foolish advice givers! Most women enjoy masturbatory orgasms all the time! The problem is we’ve never been told it’s okay to use a male partner’s body in exactly the way we need to in order to orgasm. This could include using toys, giving directions, and controlling the motion of sex. So I’m telling you now: it’s okay to use your partner’s body how you need to to achieve orgasm (with their consent, obviously). I guarantee men have been doing this to your body for years, without ever giving it a second thought. Whatever you want to do, however foolish you think you might look, if it feels good and your partner is cool with it, do it. Take responsibility for your own orgasm. If you just lie back hoping a man will give you one you’re likely to be disappointed. I’m not saying you shouldn’t encourage your partner to do stuff to you that feels good, just make sure you are doing the stuff that makes you feel good too.

If you’re skeptical or horrified by the idea of being so thoughtless about your partner’s pleasure in the heat of the moment, imagine this: two people who are experts at achieving orgasms together every time they have sex. Just imagine it. You use their body to achieve orgasmic joy, then they use yours. Together you have given each other the amazing gift of a climax with another person. Your bond will be closer, you’ll appreciate each other more, and you will rejoice in each other’s sexual journey. At least that’s what I want from my sex life.

Bottom line: if you rarely or never orgasm during penis in vagina sex, learn to be selfish. Think about what makes you come, what feels really great, then just do it. Take charge, be empowered, and love your sex life.

*I wrote this blog post with women who do not orgasm often during sex with male partners in mind. It’s for those women who really want to come more often and have a more satisfying sex life. I was and sometime still am one of those women. This is not intended for women who come all the time with their partner(s), you’ve already got your method down. It’s also not meant for men who would like their female partners to come during sex. There’s nothing worse than a man putting pressure on you to orgasm. That kind of pressure makes me less likely to come and more likely to fake it.

**Although I have shared my own personal method of getting over my issues and being able to orgasm, I wanted to take a moment to stress a few things. The first is that every body is different and what works for me may not work for you. That’s why it’s best if you explore your own pleasure both alone and with partners, then make your own lists of what works for you. Writing it down and planning a sexual session can really help. Don’t worry about it lacking romance, you can work on that later. The second thing I wanted to mention is you can have totally amazing sex without an orgasm. I’m not trying to dismiss or take that away from anyone.  Thirdly, don’t pressure yourself to come. This often has the opposite effect of what is desired. I would never want to contribute to anyone feeling sexually pressured. Finally, I hate the word cum, so I deliberately spell it wrong as “come”. A lot of my typos are accidental, but this one is 100% intentional.