Squirting: the pressure to perform and my lack of sexual pleasure

Squirting has become one of the top sexual acts of this decade. Although (some) vagina’s have been able to do it since the beginning of humankind, I’m not sure when it was first depicted in pornography, but its gone from a niche, impressive act to something everyone with a vagina is expected to be able to achieve. As if there wasn’t enough sexual pressure already, you’re expected to perform like a water fountain every time you come.

I’ve seen so many articles claiming to teach people the best way to get their body to squirt, or worse, how to get their sexual partner’s body to squirt. And there is a high demand for such articles, with this question coming up again and again so many sexual forums and the sexual side of twitter. The concept of squirting has been built up so much, as if it’s the most incredible sexual experience anyone could hope for.  It’s like it’s become the fucking holy grail of orgasms, and people are feeling genuinely inadequate if they can’t achieve it. I read one woman say on a sex forum that she feels like less of woman because she can’t squirt. That is awful. No one should be made to feel lesser by what their body can and cannot do.

This morning, I saw on Twitter the following tweet from fellow sex blogger Amy of Coffee and Kink Screen Shot 2018-08-19 at 10.23.10

(tweet in image says: “Confession time: sometimes I feel like less of a sexual woman, sex expert and sex positive person because I’ve never squirted and I’m not really entirely sure my body is capable of it.”)

I’ve been thinking about writing this blog post for a very long time, but that tweet from Amy was the kick that I needed to get started. Because it is just not right that so many people feel this way. So this is my own personal experience of squirting; the pressure I felt to perform, the lack of sexual pleasure I felt, and how it contributed to my personal sexual objectification by an (abusive) ex partner.

Before I start let me just say that I’m not trying to shit on anyone who enjoys squirting as part of their sexual experience. If it’s something you love, then great, you keep on loving this part of your sexuality!

The first time I squirted I was 19 years old and having sex with a man who was nine years older than me. My age is important here, because back then I was insecure sexually. My self esteem hadn’t yet developed to the point where I could speak up or take control to make sure I got sexual pleasure. He had two fingers inside my vagina and was flicking them very quickly up and down against my G-spot. He wasn’t touching my clit at all, just going to town on my G-spot in a very firm way. The feeling was intense, but not really pleasurable to me. I mean, it felt okay, but not like it was building to orgasm. Then it happened: I squirted all over his forearm, soaking the sheets.

The look on his face was as if he’d just met the most amazing magical sex fairy. I’d never seen such surprise and arousal mixed together in an expression. He actually said “wow!” in that amazed way children do when they think they’ve witnessed evidence magic exists. The problem was, he’d made the assumption that because I had squirted, that I had orgasmed. I had not orgasmed. Not even a little. I was still horny as fuck. But because he’d had such a strong response to my squirting reaction, and because I was insecure and he was older and more experienced than me, I didn’t speak up. I didn’t contradict him and say that the thing he was treating like a sexual miracle actually felt no more than mediocre to me.

If I’m being completely honest with myself here, I think the fact that it turned him on so much did turn me on. I liked the response he’d had, and I probably didn’t want to ruin it for him. All that social conditioning I’d been subjected to, to be the perfect, desirable sexual object for men, was really being satisfied by this experience. I played along, when I really shouldn’t have.

I was in a relationship with this man for almost 4 years. It wasn’t a healthy relationship, and if you want to know more about that I’ve written a post about it which you can read here. In all of those years, I never once orgasmed when I was being sexual with him. The problem was, once the squirting magic had occurred, that’s all he wanted to make my body do. Over and over again. I soaked sheets, through to the mattress. The vigorous way in which he pressured my vagina to perform made it sore. I got UTIs regularly.

The more time went on, the less good I felt about turning him on by squirting. I began to feel like sex was just a performance that I put on for his pleasure. I felt like I had let him down if my body couldn’t perform for him, which it sometimes couldn’t. He was treating me like his own personal porn performance, using my body for his sexual gratification without thinking much about mine.

I tried to gently steer him in a direction that was more pleasurable for me. I asked for him to not finger my G-spot, and to pay more attention to my clit. This was also because I was getting so sore all the time. I asked if I could go on top more often, because it felt better for me. He did permit it sometimes, but he had no patience with me, wanting instead to make my body perform in that very visual way. He even once said to me “You think you know what you want, but you don’t. What you need to come is G-spot pressure and the missionary position”. His arrogance combined with my insecurity was a recipe for bad sex.

I eventually got out of that toxic relationship. Squirting alone still does very little for me. I do not orgasm when I squirt, ever. I do have lovely, fantastic G-spot orgasms, which usually happen without any squirting at all, or after squirting has occurred. I have several G-spot sex toys that I love. Particularly paired with some good clitoral stimulation. I sometimes squirt during penis in vagina sex. I make sure my sexual partner knows that it wasn’t an orgasm, just another way my body responds to that kind of stimulation. We move past it and carry on, until we both achieve some real pleasure.

The point of me sharing my experience of squirting is twofold. The first is to point out that even if you can squirt, it isn’t always necessarily pleasurable, and to assume that everyone’s body is the same (or that squirting is somehow the strongest or best kind of orgasm a person with a vagina can achieve) is short sighted, dangerous and reductionist. My second point is that we can feel so pressured to be the perfect sexual performer for our partner/fuck buddy that we neglect our own sexual pleasure. In my case, the assumption that a person squirting means that they are orgasming, mixed with my own insecurity and social conditioning to be sexually desirable, lead to me having an awful sex life with my partner.

What I’d love to see is a future where the focus of sex is purely pleasure. Where people communicate clearly what they need to feel sexual pleasure, and where they are listened to and respected, and where they listen to and respect all their sexual partners in return. I wish people would see porn for what it often is, a performance that is meant for sexual entertainment, rather than a experience to mimic or a goal to aspire to achieve.

Some bodies can squirt. Some bodies can’t. Some bodies can squirt reliably. Some bodies can squirt intermittently, despite the technique being the same. Some bodies orgasm when they squirt. Some bodies don’t. Some bodies derive lots of sexual pleasure from squirting. Some bodies don’t enjoy the sensation at all. Despite our differences, no body is better than any other.

Part of the joy of human sexuality is the diversity in pleasure and response. Sex with other people should be all about the sheer joy of experimenting and communicating with them to work out what their particular formula is for the most possible pleasure and satisfaction. It shouldn’t be about trying to achieve or replicate any act that you have seen performed for your own satisfaction.

If you want to try squirting, sure, go ahead. But don’t feel like your body is any lesser if it can’t achieve it. Your body is a wonderful sexual being, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. If you find out you can squirt, but it’s not pleasurable for you, then speak up. I wish I had.

If you are person who is fascinated or obsessed by the idea of your sexual parter squirting, please do not put pressure on them to try to do it. All this will do is lead to them feeling like they have let you down, or that they are not good enough sexually, or that their body is somehow broken, if they cannot squirt like the porn stars you’ve watched.  Putting this kind of pressure to perform sexually on anyone is a shitty thing to do. Stop doing it. (As an aside, I absolutely hate it when a partner says to me “I want you to come” or “I’m going to make you come” or worst of all (and yes I once had a fuck buddy who regularly said this to me) “hurry up and come!”. The pressure I feel from it pretty much guarantees I will not orgasm.)

Nowadays, there’s no focus on me squirting, which is how I like it. It happens if it happens, but its never the goal. The sex I have is good, I’m happy to report. Sometimes it’s fucking spectacular. And my sheets stay drier.

 

 

3 thoughts on “Squirting: the pressure to perform and my lack of sexual pleasure

  1. I really appreciate this! I remember looking through some G-spotting manual, and one woman’s explanation that her ejaculation and her pleasure were not linked was BURIED near the end of the book, and never mentioned anywhere else. There’s definitely that “squirting=ultimate pleasure” message today, that you’re somehow inhibited or unaware of your body’s potential if you don’t have soaked sheets. As someone who enjoys G-stim a lot but still tries to shake off that “is this the time I’ll finally…no? sigh!” thought each time in spite of myself, I think this reassurance is LONG overdue for so many of us! Thank you.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I’ve only just got round to reading this and although I wasn’t worried about my inability to squirt, hey I’m not sure I even like G spot stim, I am so glad you gave your view point, and it is becoming the ultimate goal! You explained it so well. I am sorry you had to go through what you did, emotionally and physically, I guess this is the partner you’ve talked about before who gaslighted you – what a tool!

    In fact, your explanation of your non-excited feelings about squirting that I now feel fairly sure I HAVE squirted, but it was such an unpleasant sensation that I thought “No – that cant be it”. I’m retweeting this and I shall be sharing it on my #SoSS post – the world needs a balanced view! Thanks.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thanks for taking the time to comment and for sharing Posy! Yeah, it’s the same guy as the one I wrote about in my subtle abuse post. So glad I got out of that relationship!

    You may well have squirted! I thought it’d be a good idea to share my experience because I can’t be the only one who doesn’t orgasm when I squirt. I’m also annoyed that it’s become yet another thing people feel like they should be able to do, and wanted to make it clear that being able to squirt doesn’t equal great sex!

    Like

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