Although I’ve called this a “review” it’s more of a Lovehoney advent calendar show-and-tell. You see, I’ve only recently been given the advent calendar by the lovely people at Lovehoney, and I wanted to get my thoughts on it out there before Dec 1st, when most people will begin opening theirs. So I haven’t tried out everything in here, although a lot of it is products I already have. If you want to buy your own Lovehoney advent calendar, you can find it here. It’s 20% off at the moment, and I can only expect that price to keep falling, so if you’d like to get a little after advent beings it could be a bargain. They also have a whole advent calendar range which you can look at, I think the lingerie one and the fifty shades of grey one look particularly good.

Before I get to specifics, here are my overall impressions. If you have very few sex toys or bondage items, and you’d like to explore a range of different stuff, the calendar is great for that. It will give you 24 items to play with for much less than they would cost to buy individually. However, if you are a sex toy connoisseur, and you know exactly what you like, you are bound to be disappointed with at least a few of the items. You’d just have to expect that. If you do know you have higher expectations, I’d recommend going for the more luxury fifty shades of grey advent calendar.

In comparison to the 2016 calendar, which I reviewed way more thoroughly as (to my knowledge) it was the first full sex toy advent calendar to be released, I think they have greatly improved the box design. It is far more sturdy, and there’s very little chance of anything falling. They’ve included little descriptions of each item on the inside of the cardboard flaps that act as windows, which is a useful touch.  As far as the range of products available, I think it’s about equal, with a bit of improvement in the range (there were far too many cock rings in 2016), but no improvement in quality.

Below are my thoughts on the items included in the Lovehoney Couple’s Sex Toy Advent Calendar, and a link to each product on the Lovehoney website, if it has one, so you can find out more details about each one. Be aware, I am about to spoiler the whole calendar, and I feel no guilt at all doing so, as it is already thoroughly spoiled on Lovehoney’s own website.

Day 1

It’s a little golden bullet vibe! It takes those little LR44 batteries which are pictured next to it, and there are 3 already inside plus three extra included, so it should keep you going a while. It is controlled by a single push button at the top and has 7 settings, the first two are constant speeds, the rest are patterns. It’s very small and has a flat, rather than tapered or pointed, tip. It’s very powerful for it’s size, (it makes may fingers numb) but is incredibly buzzy. It does not rumble even a little, and it is far too harsh for my clit. If you like powerful buzzy vibes you may enjoy it though. I don’t know if its waterproof or not as the box doesn’t say, so I’m going to assume it’s not. I believe its made from ABS plastic. It’s not on the Lovehoney website so I think it has been specially created for the calendar.

Day 2

Window two contains a figure of eight cock ring. One circle goes at the base of a penis, the other loops around the testicles. It is made from some kind of squishy jelly material in light blue colour. It feels fairly firm when I squeeze it and looks like it would give a tight squeeze. As it is not made from an porous material (i.e. it cannot be sterilised), I have not got it out from it’s packet in case I give it away to someone. This product also is not on the Lovehoney website.

Day 3

Window three contains these black and gold velcro wrist cuffs. I quite like these, because they are easy to use, you can clip them to things easily, they adjust to fit pretty much any size, and they do a fairly good job of not appearing cheap (even though they are). You can find them on the Lovehoney website here, although with silver rather than gold clips.

Day 4

Day four offers a little packet of sex scratch cards. I actually received these a while ago from Lovehoney, so I know how they work. Basically you have four columns with the headings “action”, “location”, “time” and “bonus”, which sets you up with a sex-related scenario to do with a partner. Actions are things like Oral Sex, or sex from behind, locations range from the normal rooms in the house to things like a car or garden, the time is just minutes your supposed to do it for, and bonus are items, usually things like sex toys or bondage items. My husband did find these really fun back when we reviewed them, and if you’re in a mood to just play around they give you some good (or at least funny) ideas. You can find them on the website here.

Day 5

It’s a black, silicone finger vibrator, which you can view on the website here. The bullet from day one fits inside of it to make it vibrate. The head of it is curved and solid, with nice ridges on it. I think it’s aimed at G-spot stimulation, but it work for anywhere really.  I do quite like this item, but unfortunately, I just can’t get on with the buzziness of the vibrator. I think if you have a better but similar sized bullet it would work better.

Day 6

Day six gives you the first and only anal toy of the calendar. It’s a slim beginners silicone butt plug. The material quality of this one is great, and the base is much bigger than the plug, making it very safe for anal play. If you are a complete beginner to anal play this would be a great plug to start with. The only thing that bothers me about it is that the neck of the plug is barely narrower than the widest point of the plug, meaning its likely to pop out. Overall, I think it’s a great product to be included in this calendar. You can view more details about this anal plug here.

Day 7

It’s a blindfold! There’s not much I can say about it, other than it is gold and black, has a single elastic band to go around the back of the head and is made from what feels like a cheap satin-ish material (polyester maybe?). It functions okay as a blindfold, in that it blocks out light, but I can see in the gaps below my nose and the material makes my face sweaty. This item appears to have been made just for the calendar.

Day 8

Day eight is a lovely little purple feather tickler. This item has a sturdy black plastic handle and a big fluffy purple head of feathers. It seems to be good quality and it feels nice running it across my skin. This product also appears to be exclusive to the calendar.

Day 9

Day nine is a little ABS plastic vibrator. This is one of the first sex toys I had from Lovehoney, way back when my sex toy collection would fit into a large make up bag. I think I got it free with a Valentine’s day offer. I remember that it is not waterproof, although again, the box doesn’t say if it is or not, which I think is a bad oversight from Lovehoney (it’s important to know if you can clean something under running water or not). It takes a single AA battery, which is not included in the box. That’s not too much of a problem as these batteries are easy to find and most people have them in the house. It’s made from ABS plastic and is completely rigid, which is great for applying pressure to the G-spot. However, it is a very small vibe for vaginal use, so might only be good enough for a tease rather than an orgasm for a lot of people. It only has one setting, which is pretty powerful constant vibration. Overall, I think this is a good edition to the calendar. You can see it online here.

Day 10

Window 10 hides a single-use bright blue vibrating cock ring. It is made from a jelly rubber type material. It has a tiny single-speed vibrating bullet at the top, which the box says will last for 30mins. The cock ring has two loops, one for the base of the penis and one for around the balls. You can find it on the lovehoney website here. I haven’t opened it because I don’t want it, and it is a porous material so I could give it to someone who does want it if I don’t open it. I do appreciate that Lovehoney say it is single use, because I believe that porous materials like jelly rubber shouldn’t be used more than once. However, a single-use cock ring isn’t a particularly useful thing to include. Personally, I would have preferred it if they had included a silicone cock ring like this one, which could be used alongside the bullet vibration already included. I’m not sure why they didn’t do that.

Day 11

Day eleven holds your second bondage item, and it goes with the wrist cuffs. It’s a door jam, basically you shut the plastic part on the other side of the door and clip the wrist cuffs to the metal loop at the bottom so you can cuff your partner standing up with their arms above their head. The over the door restraints can be adjusted a little to suit the height of your sub. You can see this product on the Lovehoney website here, although you only get one of them in the calendar, and the included cuffs are different to the ones received on day 3. I think this is an interesting edition to the calendar, and gives you more bondage ideas to play with.

Day 12

Under window 12 is the first lingerie item, it’s a thong! There’s a gold ribbon that you use to tie it up at one side or the very back and the rest of the thong is made from a see-though black lace, with elastic on every edge. It’s quite pretty and a nice edition. I think the idea of it being tied up is that it will fit all, but I’m not sure that’s the case, if you’re bigger than a size UK 18 or smaller than a UK 8 I think it’d be a bit off in size. Lovehoney sell it in a plus size and base size separately on their website, and the calendar one is base size, making me think it won’t fit plus sized people. You can see a version of it on the lovehoney website here.

Day 13

It’s a second finger vibe to go with the bullet vibe. This time it has a purple silicone thin tongue-like tip, with little nubs on it. When the bullet makes this tip vibrate it flutters back and forth very quickly in a way that would feel great on a clit that likes buzzy vibes. I think this one has more potential than the g-spot one, but I still just cannot get along with that bullet. Overall I think this is a great product to be included in the calendar, although I’m not sure two finger vibes are entirely necessary. You can see it online here.

Day 14

Window 14 hides a penis extender. It is made from clear jelly type material (weirdly, on the product page for this item it doesn’t list the material, which is worrying to me), and is textured with  ridges and nubs. I have no interest in using this product, so I have kept it in it’s packet. It is definitely not silicone (silicone is never completely clear), so I’m assuming its a porous material, perhaps TPE. I’m not happy with that kind of material going inside my vagina, so I can’t really comment more on this item. If you want to read reviews you can  find them on the Lovehoney website here.

Day 15

Day 15 are ankle cuffs, exactly the same as the wrist cuffs, just bigger. Like the wrist cuffs, I like them. You can view them online here.

Day 16

Nipple pasties! Big shiny star nipple pasties! They are big and shiny and very christmassy.  I think these are fun and they go with the thong already opened. They are big though, so if you have small breasts, be prepared for them to be entirely taken over by stars. These appear to be exclusive to the calendar.

Day 17

Day 17 gives you the final piece of lingerie, and it’s a black and gold thong meant for people who have a penis. It’s elasticated around all edges, with a one size fits all design in mind, but again, I don’t think it’ll fit well if you wear a larger or very small dress size. There’s a hole in the middle front of the thong which ties shut, the idea is you untie it to reveal a penis. It’s a fun idea, but the materials the thong is made from do feel cheap. You can view it online here.

Day 18

Window 18 reveals a black and gold hog tie. It has four metal rings which you can clip your cuffs to, which are all attached to a central ring by canvas. There are gold studs in the canvas for extra support. This looks good and allows you to play more with your bondage gear. You can view it online here in a different colour and with different cuffs attached. I think this is a great edition to the calendar.

Day 19

The calendar’s box calls these jiggle balls, but they do not have free roaming weights inside them, so I will just call them kegel balls. The two black balls will pop out of the silicone holder so you can use them independently. The kegel balls are quite light so good for beginners, but not for advanced users. As kegel exercises are good for people with vaginas to do, I think this is a good edition, but perhaps one that won’t excite much. It’s kind of like getting a set of dumbbells for Christmas, you know they’d help you get into shape, but you’d prefer a spa day.

Day 20

It’s a massager! I’m actually really excited about this one, I love massage and I’ve got another plastic hand held massager that works really well. This one is made from hard, blue-purple plastic and has a good high arch to it that can be held on to. Adds pressure to those four smooth feet when you run it across someone’s back, which gives a good massage without your hands getting tired. I’m so glad Lovehoney has included a massage item. It appears this is exclusive to the calendar.

Day 21

It’s a smooth, silicone, slim, suction-cup dildo. This lovely black dildo has a gentle curve to it. The suction cup is really good and strong on a flat surface. You can use the dildo for anal or vaginal play, and the silicone can be properly sterelized so you could share it with a partner. The round suction-cup base might even fit a harness if you have a small O-ring. I think this is a really great product to have included in the calendar, because it is versatile and made from a lovely material. The only thing I will say is its slim and small size may disappoint people who are used to larger sex toys. For beginners, to either anal or vaginal play, this would be great though. You can view more details about it here.

Day 22

This is a set of under the bed restraints. You put them under the mattress, clip a cuff to each of the metal rings, and spread your sub out easily on the bed. These are fantastic, easy to stow away and perfect for people who don’t have a head or foot board that can be easily tied too. They are made from strong black canvas and are adjustable. This is the last bondage item and I do like the different options for bondage play the calendar gives you. You can find them online here, but the calendar ones have gold metal rings and the cuffs included are different.

Day 23

Day 23 is a little penis stroker. It is very stretchy, with a tiny tight hole to insert a penis in to and it is ribbed on the inside. It’s squishy and the whole thing was absolutely covered in corn starch to make it feel soft (seriously, so much corn starch!). I don’t have a penis, but I imagine this little basic stroker feels quite nice, once the inside is covered with a lot of lube. It’s got good reviews online, so I’m going to say this one is a winner.

Day 24

The final day and the grand prize is the Lovehoney Desire Rechargeable Clitoral Vibe. It is made from black silicone with a gold section on the bottom of it. It is USB rechargeable and has ridges on the under side like the special edition version which you can view here. I have both the special edition and the original version of this vibe and they are both fantastic. The motors and strong and fairly rumbly, the controls are easy to use and the setting are sensible. You can use it for clitoral pleasure (I can easily orgasm using mine), or as a body massager (although its not powerful enough to work knots out, it still feels good). Yes, this one is definitely the best thing in the whole calendar.

Now I’ve finished the reveal, I’m going to talk a little about the highs and lows and what you really get for your money. What I want to say now is yes, this is a great deal, but that is relative to what you want or expect from it. It is very unlikely you’re going to love everything (as indeed I didn’t), but if you have a small collection it is a great way to explore 24 new items. So lets look at what you get.

Sex toys

The items pictured above are all made from “good” (body-safe, non-porous) materials, and could be used multiple times and shared if sterilised properly. My favourite two items are the desire clit vibe, and the dildo, both are high quality and versatile. The butt plug is also pretty good, but I am worried about the size of it’s neck. The bullet vibe is way too buzzy, which is a shame, because Lovehoney do make some, not-so-buzzy battery powered bullets which could have been included, such as this one or this one. The G-spot finger vibe is unnecessary as they included a better G-spot vibe, and two finger vibes is one too many in my opinion.

Toys for the Penis

The penis extender is just not my thing at all, and if you are going to use it inside a vagina or anus I’d hope you’d put a condom over it first to stop bacteria from getting on it (which you’d never be able to get off it again). The cock rings are also both disappointing, rather than two, jelly, single-use cock rings, I would have preferred one silicone one, with a sleeve that a bullet vibe can be put in to. The stroker is, in my opinion, the best item in this group, and the only one we might be keeping.

Lingerie

The lingerie items are a bit of fun. I don’t really believe one size truly will fit all, but other than that they are a nice touch. The stars are my favourite, followed by the lacy thong. The other thong is too low quality looking for my liking.

Bondage

If you or your partner love being restrained, the calendar would be great for you! I do think all the restraint options look great, are sturdy and gives you a lot of options to play around with. Other than the blindfold being crappy, I like all the bondage items, and I love that they go together as a set. I do miss there being an impact toy though, the flogger was my favourite item from 2016, and I think it would make a good edition, perhaps instead of the g-spot finger vibe or one of the cock rings.

Misc / other items

All of these items are pretty nice. My favourite is the massager, of course, and I would have liked to see a massage candle as a calendar item as well, as they are romantic, little, not that expensive and people like them. The feather ticker is good quality and the scratch cards are essentially a small sex game, although it’d be nice if they could be used again like sex dice.

Final thoughts

Overall, if you are fairly new to sex toys, I think the Lovehoney Couple’s sex toy advent calendar is a good purchase. You get a good range of products, some of which are great quality for the price.

If I were designing this advent calendar, however, I’d make a few changes. I’d ditch both cock rings, the penis extender, the g-spot finger vibe, the buzzy bullet and the g-spot vibe. I’d replace these six items with a less-buzzy bullet vibe such as this one, a silicone cock ring with space for a bullet such as  this one, a massage candle like this one, a flogger like this one, and a water proof g-spot vibe such as this one and as I have room for one more item, perhaps some anal beads like these.

I do love that sex toy advent calendars are a thing, and I’d love to design them, but I think I’d never run a profit because I’d want to put the best of the best items in there. I think my dream job might be setting up sex toy sets for beginners who are also rich people.

Anyway, I hope you’ve enjoyed this quick run through of the Lovehoney Couple’s sex toy advent calendar. I hope you’ve found it useful, and it’ll help you deciding if you think it’s worth spending your money on. Whatever you decide, have a wonderful Christmas and Advent! You can also check out my two Christmas giveaways in the giveaway section of the blog.